And she screamed

Du siehst die Welt um mich herum, doch nicht die Welt in mir drin.

– Zate.

„I wish I were you. / I wish I was as relaxed as you / I wish I was as unafraid as you …“ – believe me: You wonˋt!

ˋcause…

All I am is what I discovered in Life.

All I am now is what I am because of the shit I make it through.

I’m not what I am ‚cause I was born like this.

I’m all this now ‚cause I fight like hell to make it through all suffering.

„This“ is not a blessing.

„This“ was a fucking horror story I hope I will never dream of that again.

And now? You look at me like I am the sky full of stars. You think that I am the person who can make yourife fuller. But that’s not true, ‚cause do you know? – I am empty. And that’s my secret.

I’m only trying to fill my empty life again with possitivity, hope, dreams and knowledge – and that aim is harder to fullfill that you can ever imagine.

Nevertheless, I am still tying. Even if I’m scared as fuck. Yeah I’m scared. Scared of the time who pass by by doing nothing productive. Scared and worried, if someday I might change again and fall apart to the lifetime where I wasn’t sure if the next morning I am still alive. I’m not that lighted-girl wo live without problems, without fear.

My body starts to shaken, if I remember the past where my Doctor is giving me medicin all the time only to make me stay alive for another day, for another Morning or more often: for another Evening. I know more than enough the feeling of not wanting anymore.

Moreover, THEY forced me to stay alive.

But you know?

Today I am really really greatfull, that they DID.

Today I am standing on the ceiling of a high building… And for a long time, I’m not looking down on the bottom anymore. I’m not scared on this one moment now.

I’m looking up to the sky and scream as loud as I can only this three words I never thought I would say it anymore:

( – but I do.)

“ I am alive!“

And that’s what you see, my dear.

~Ceyes.

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