Du siehst die Welt um mich herum, doch nicht die Welt in mir drin.
„I wish I were you. / I wish I was as relaxed as you / I wish I was as unafraid as you …“ – believe me: You wonˋt!
All I am is what I discovered in Life.
All I am now is what I am because of the shit I make it through.
I’m not what I am ‚cause I was born like this.
I’m all this now ‚cause I fight like hell to make it through all suffering.
„This“ is not a blessing.
„This“ was a fucking horror story I hope I will never dream of that again.
And now? You look at me like I am the sky full of stars. You think that I am the person who can make yourife fuller. But that’s not true, ‚cause do you know? – I am empty. And that’s my secret.
I’m only trying to fill my empty life again with possitivity, hope, dreams and knowledge – and that aim is harder to fullfill that you can ever imagine.
Nevertheless, I am still tying. Even if I’m scared as fuck. Yeah I’m scared. Scared of the time who pass by by doing nothing productive. Scared and worried, if someday I might change again and fall apart to the lifetime where I wasn’t sure if the next morning I am still alive. I’m not that lighted-girl wo live without problems, without fear.
My body starts to shaken, if I remember the past where my Doctor is giving me medicin all the time only to make me stay alive for another day, for another Morning or more often: for another Evening. I know more than enough the feeling of not wanting anymore.
Moreover, THEY forced me to stay alive.
But you know?
Today I am really really greatfull, that they DID.
Today I am standing on the ceiling of a high building… And for a long time, I’m not looking down on the bottom anymore. I’m not scared on this one moment now.
I’m looking up to the sky and scream as loud as I can only this three words I never thought I would say it anymore:
( – but I do.)
“ I am alive!“
And that’s what you see, my dear.